A Blinding Light
by MargaeryStarks
Summary: Her perfection is a blinding beam of light. And that is all that I see in my life. It means a world of envy and pure jealousy for me. That world will never dissolve. Not even in death. One-shot.


It's not fair.

Yes, how cliche.

But I've never been able to appreciate the phrase more.

* * *

><p>She's so imperfectly perfect, because it's natural, but nothing spells perfection like my sister.<p>

Crap.

She's my twin. It's not about the looks. But it's worse.

She's two minutes older than me. Two- crappy- minutes. Of course, she even holds those measly little measures of time against me when times are bad.

"I'm two minutes and thirty-two and a half seconds older than you are. It's more than it seems, you know."

And every time I hear her bratty voice, I want to take out my knife and carve her throat out.

* * *

><p>Father loves her more.<p>

Anybody seeing them together couldn't doubt that fact. He buys _her _all pretty dresses. He buys her all the dollies.

And where am I? I'm an ant in the background of everything. Just a prop, screaming, "Can't you see me? Can't you see that I want your hugs and kisses and smiles and good-night stories too? I'm not any less of a person than she is. Am I your little girl too?"

I'm too freaking embarrassed to say these things out loud. But that's why I drown in my grief, and there's left for me to do but furiously and silently cry.

I hate dollies and pretty dresses. I like guns and arrows. But I would take any number of dollies and dresses just to be loved by my father, who turned to _her _to give his love when Mother died.

So whenever I see them happily together, even now, I have to escape to the field and shoot out of my gun until most of my fury is released through the bullets.

But that's it. My jealousy and neglect can never be fully washed away. Even when she's gone, it will still haunt me.

And that's why I _hate_ her.

* * *

><p>I'm <em>deluded. Ignored. Invisible<em>.

* * *

><p>That's when the rebellion begins, and Katniss Everdeen comes along into my life.<p>

From the second she pulls out those poisonous berries, Thirteen knows that we need to take action. We send hovercrafts in to break out of the arena.

They choose a special team to go. I've been training as a soldier since I can remember, but I'm not picked. She is. She goes to stand with the group and gives me a smug look. _I want to attack her, but I choke up and I end up having a break-down_, which doesn't give me a better image. They'll never pick me for anything if I meltdown every time she's involved in something.

I wait for the team to bring in the tributes we were able to save. Katniss Everdeen loses it after she's told Peeta was captured by the Capitol along with that petty girl Johanna Mason and takes out her anger on Haymitch. In my head, I whisper a silent thanks to her for the idea and I make it a point to keep my nails sharp.

Even when my sister isn't the spotlight of everything, she still gets more than deserves. And that hurts even more than seeing her get all the attention.

I escape to the Special Weaponry, like I usually do, and release my anger out through shooting bullets.

* * *

><p>Finally, finally- they do a screening to put us into squads. We will be instrumental in taking down the Capitol.<p>

There's a Street Block Challenge which I pass easily, but my sister does it with perfect, show-off backflips. We're put into Squad 451, which I think is the best, because Katniss is in it, and the commander is Boggs, who I know pretty well.

There's a few other people with potential in the squad, too. That Finnick Odair can use his trident like I can use my gun. Gale Hawthorne is the one who came up with idea of bombing the Nut in Two.

At first I think it's strange that nobody has trouble telling the two of us apart, but then, with annoyance, I realize it's because I'm a lot more quiet and I have the weird yellow flecks in my eyes that identify me as far-sighted.

Then no, no, _no, _that idiot Plutarch Heavensbee tells us that we're the 'Star Squad,' shooting for propos most of the time. As if I needed that.

Peeta Mellark, the boy who got hijacked, is sent here by Coin and Katniss goes off her head, wondering if it's that she wants her dead.

I don't really care about any of this.

We're finally put into some real combat when we're on a street in the Capitol, but everything goes wrong, as it always does.

* * *

><p>Everything happens so quickly, I'm not even sure what's going on.<p>

Peeta goes into evil-muttation mode again and tries to kill Katniss. I'm currently unoccupied with defending myself, so I run forward to stop him. But Mitchell, one of my fellow soldiers from home, gets there first.

He tackles Peeta to the ground, and the two wrestle for a while. Peeta somehow manages to get his feet under his stomach and kicks him off, launching him straight onto a pod.

I cry out for him as the net of barbed wire falls over his weakened body. I shoot at the wire, hoping to loosen it enough so he can escape. Gale is doing the same, but it doesn't work. Black tar covers him and I know that's the end for Mitchell.

Barely fazed, I turn back to the pandemonium around us.

And that's when my sister dies right before my eyes.

* * *

><p>I hear a scream. I think it's my own.<p>

She's activated a pod, all right, but it's not tar that comes out- it's a deadly and probably poisonous wave of darts that fly into her head. Her cries out and collapses to the ground.

I hate my sister for everything she's done to me, stealing any attention meant to be mine. I once told myself many times before that I wouldn't ever blink an eye if she dies. But now, in this mess of war and deaths, that doesn't mean anything to me. She's still my sister.

I stumble forward, the world slowly turning mute around me. Numb grief overcomes me, and debris rains down on her incapitated corpse. Somebody grabs my arm and hauls me along with them.

* * *

><p>We escape eventually.<p>

Gone. That's what she is. Gone. Not perfect. But dead. Dead, lying under a pile of rock. Everybody is scrambling about, trying to figure things out. They barely seem to notice that my sister is dead, _dead. _A day ago, I would've been overjoyed. Finally, finally, she's not getting any attention. But now I'm furious. She's my sister.

I manage to keep my volcano down until it's time to sleep. First, I just let out a whimper that seems pathetic. Then I break down.

_I'm sorry I was jealous. You were right. That should've been me, dying to pay for my sins._

I'd always thought that her being gone would solve everything. But it doesn't. It makes matters worse, and I hate to admit that I need my sister. I don't know why. It's just a freaking untutored feeling.

My life will continue to be miserable. The fact that she's gone doesn't make things better for me. I'll still be ignored, looked past.

But I can't say that I love my sister. She still made me envious for all those years. She made me the girl who I am; a girl who is blind to everything around her except competing in a hopeless battle for attention with her sister.

* * *

><p>We shoot propos the next day. Boggs blows up a land mine and dies. And while I should be grieving even more, I don't. I don't even look at him.<p>

I keep replaying my sister's death in my head.

_You're still better and luckier than I am. I'm the one sitting here in hell. You're the one lounging in Heaven._

I realize that I've been hallucinating all these years. My sister has never been the brat I thought her to be. I realize that Ｉturned on her only because I wanted somebody to blame for mother's death.

There. There, then. I'm the bad person here.

Katniss suddenly tells us her actual plan is to assassinate Snow. Well, I have no problem with that. I want to throw Snow into a pit and set his own mutts upon him. He deserves a death that doesn't exist yet.

We have to go underground to get to the City Circle, where the mansion is. I hate being underground because I've been cooped up in underground Thirteen for twenty-three years and I'm sick, sick of it. All it does is remind me of dead, rotting bodies.

It's running smoothly and I am fiercely determined to finish this mission for my sister and my mother. The hissing hits my ears.

"It's whispering your name," Jackson tells Katniss urgently. We move on quickly, hoping to lose whatever is pursuing us. But it gets closer.

I ready my gun, and I get my first glimpse of our pursuers.

They're mutts- lizard mutts. Each is the size of a human, with bone-white reptilian skin and red, piercing eyes. Their flickering tongues form Katniss's name hauntingly, and the air reeks of roses.

While I should be paralyzed with fear, this doesn't make an impression on me anymore. I just saw my sister die, for Heaven's Sake.

We're at a pod called the Meat Grinder, which I suppose is supposed to be what it sounds like.

And that's why I decide to go down fighting with Jackson. It's the only thing I'll be remembered for, if at all. Because I'm weak and envious. There's a reason why my sister is favored over me, that's because of who she is. And I'm not her.

This final stand of mine is the only brave thing I've done in my life.


End file.
